One of the things that has been waking me in the night lately is an incredible feeling of aloneness. It haunts me – bringing me back to an empty desert of tears again and again.
In that desert, I believe I have lost my family. That when my 22-year-old daughter Teal died in August, I also lost my connection to my beautiful son and my beloved former husband who live 3000 miles away.
When I have these thoughts, I decide I am totally alone … and it breaks my heart.
These people are carved into my heart as family always is – there is something indelible, lasting, and forever in our connection. Just as there continues to be with Teal.
So when I calm down and tell the truth about it, I realize that despite our circumstances … a divorce, a death, and my relocation to California from upstate New York … all of us, including Teal, are still together. We are ineluctably merged, no matter where we are or how our paths unfold.
As a mother I know my children’s hearts better than anyone. I can feel their shyness and their tender ambitions; I know their fears, their obstacles and their deepest desires. It’s not a conscious ‘knowing’ but more of a feeling — I just do, somehow.
This is the terrain of a mother, the life link we are given when our children are born. And in a similar way we are always linked to the co-creator of this child, our other, our spouse. That history of lessons, decisions, projects, gains, losses, transgressions and forgiveness is huge.
Without it, who would we be? For in this way we are all connected intrinsically. We are handed the keys to heaven in every relationship, and our ability to honor the path, and the rightness of our dynamics in each moment, is our salvation.
We can’t ‘get love right’ any more than we can control how another will move through life. But control is not the point, dear friend – genuine love and understanding is.
If we can approach each person we love and feel close to as our teacher and guide, we can begin to become present to the heaven in that relationship. Then no one has to be any way other than they are … and so both can grow together.
Then we actually have the opportunity to learn from our other. For who are they really? Do we even know? Or do we see them from behind our own fine screen of illusion, formed through all our years of emotional ups and downs.
We are solidly parked in the ‘reality’ of life – a place of hopelessness, despair, dissatisfaction and unrest. We believe that our lot is limited, and we let logic dictate our dreams. And yet … there is a thread of magic that connects us all, and invites us deeper into the mystery of life.
When I remember this, I feel as one again with my son and my former husband. I know that energetically they are right here with me, just as Teal always is as well. I can transcend the restrictions of my thinking mind, and even have rich and delicious telepathic chats with them. As can we all with those we love.
Two years ago when I left my former life, my son took off for a year as an exchange student in Taiwan. We all had a tearful goodbye at the gate at the airport, knowing we would never again be just this kind of family again. And yet …
A month later my boy visited me in a dream. He came to me, smiling, as if to say, ‘It’s OK, mom. I’m happy and so are you. Everything is going to be fine.’ Wordlessly, we could feel each other deeply in our embrace.
My former husband had a similar encounter with Teal as she lay dying in the hospital. In his vision, she stood outside the hospital, dressed in very simple clothing and smiling radiantly. ‘I’m OK, dad. And everything is going to be fine,” her wordless smile told him.
And so it is … we are not so alone. We are all just fine, no matter what the complexity of life has thrown our way.
For whoever you are, and no matter what your circumstances, someone somewhere loves you. They may be long gone or be by your side right now … that is hardly relevant.
What matters is your ability to tune in and let that abundant love straight into your heart. For, dear soul, that is where your healing is to be found, first and foremost.
Close your eyes for a moment and ask for that radiant love to visit you … and know that how it manifests is not as important as that it DOES.
You are loved, rest assured. And so the rest of life is all beautifully up to you.