What do you do when there is literally nothing to be done? When the proverbial To Do list is empty, and you have no immediate tasks at hand?
That is the rhetorical question that keeps rattling through my formerly too-busy brain. My old workaholic self is dead, replaced by a softer, more tender me who is willing to relax a whole lot more.
Now I am acutely aware of how little I got done last week or for several weeks prior.
The fact is that I am still grieving. A lot.
Turns out year two after the death of a child is far worse than year one. I finally get it: Teal is not coming back. Part of me has dropped to the floor, shattered.
And yet, life goes on because it has to. Work needs to happen; income needs to be produced. Yet because God is good, all is at peace.
In June I suddenly received a commission to write a series of six novels with a transman hero (a person who has transitioned from female to male.) My patron, a wealthy relative who likes my writing, has always wanted these books written. He was hoping I might be the one to do it.
I got a ‘yes’ from my heart … and so the flow carries me forward in this interesting new direction. I can even write these books as I chip away at my own creative work.
I don’t know what ‘the new Joy work’ is or when it will happen, but I know online cialis review that it will and must. There is at least one more ‘Joy’ book to write for sure. But for now I’m simply being called upon to trust, and act only when the time is right.
So with this grief comes an unfolding throughout my life. As I let go of Teal, I am opening up in all aspects to receive more and more and more.
This morning I was hit with a particularly intense wave of grief. Sobs overwhelmed me and I cried through it for a while. But then it was time to reach out, so I called a new friend.
Six months ago I never would have done this, but life has humbled me now and I understand that it’s okay to ask for help. Not only is it okay, it is preferable. Furthermore, it’s what I need. Speaking the unspeakable aloud always seems to prime the pump.
We talked and her words soothed me like warm honey; understanding and love were stitched throughout. I hung up feeling heard, understood and at peace again … at least until the next wave takes me down.
The source of my pain was not only the incalculable loss I feel as I attempt to grok my daughter’s death. Even greater is the shame I feel at not being “productive” — or even knowing what I am supposed to ‘do’.
“Hey, shouldn’t my grief be over by now? Shouldn’t I be fine now?”, demands my busy brain.
Apparently not. But not only can I trust this process – I have no choice but to accept it. In letting go of who 20mg cialis online I ‘should’ be, I can finally, totally love myself, just as I am, surrounded by soggy Kleenex and lots of supportive friends.
After I hung up from speaking to my friend, I checked my phone. Randomly, I’d gotten this text message from a cell number in California I didn’t recognize. It said only this:
“Trusting God in this moment feels/looks like the following:
Not waiting for IT (whatever IT is to happen);
Not trying to make IT happen.
Jumping off the cliff and knowing that I’m supported. So I can stop trying to be safe by obsessively trying to figure out how to protect myself.
Telling the microscopic truth no matter what.”
This was followed by a second text that said,
“Oops, wrong person, but hope this is helpful to you anyway.”
Not only was it helpful – it was a perfect manifestation of God’s grace.
Wherever you are today, you, too, are held in a web of perfect unfolding. Life has your back in ways you cannot even begin to realize.
Maybe only one word needs to be on any To Do list.
That would be ‘Surrender.’