2012 was a watershed year for me – I let go of a committed relationship, my home, my business partnership, and the powerful coaching practice that went with it.
And just when I was truly wandering in the desert, not knowing who I was, where I was to go, or … I thought … how to get along in this world, I lost my daughter Teal.
This is when things started to get truly interesting. For I thought I’d been through ‘the worst’ when this happened. I loved my partner! I was in anguish that she ended our relationship! I’d given up my home to move in with her just a few months before!
And hey – how was I going to make a living now anyway? Oh, the drama, self pity and victimized howls of protest that ensued …
Then Teal died and tore the lid off of all my preconceived notions about myself and what life is really all about.
Now I know that the ‘story’ that we tell ourselves from day to day is meaningless. That there is no right, no wrong, and no one who can ever truly hurt me or you.
I write this with tears of gratitude streaming down my face for what I know is that we are always held in divine grace – we just are. And when we remember, and turn back towards that comforting light, the answer is right there … clear as day.
And so I have learned I am nothing more than a healer. The only thing that REALLY matters in this life is how many people I touch.
How much you or I ‘have’ is also an illusion. I gave up the big showcase house a few years ago when I left my marriage and have been steadily downsizing every since.
Now I live in a sweet, comfortable house in which I rent a sunny, beautiful room. I have no mortgage, no love interest and no big obligations. I even gave up my smart phone in the interest of becoming more present and less distracted.
So I am discovering emptiness … and in that beautiful, simple place I grieve, I let go more and more, and so I truly heal. I have begun to piece together the puzzle of my life, and in doing so I am finding a new picture of myself.
This picture of me is stronger, freer, more stable. More grounded in what is right and true, and no longer needing to hang on tenaciously to that which does not serve.
I no longer need to prop up the false image I projected to the world for all those years – the hero with all the answers, ready to fix any problem, leap into any fray, and hold up the Universe on my bony shoulders.
No, no, no. I simply didn’t realize the Universe wanted to hold me up. And so I can safely say that the ‘worst’ year of my life was in so many ways my rebirth. My delivery. My redemption.
One of the sweetest discoveries is that I have friends! Like Sally Fields receiving her Oscar, I’m just now seeing the vast sea of caring souls out there who believe in me.
For the first time in my life, I am truly letting in that caring support and it is vast. From the total strangers whose stories weave and intermingle with my own in groups I attend, to those who leave their naked, beautiful shares on my posts on Facebook.
Hundreds and hundreds of people from all the different decades of my life have contacted me since Teal’s death … reaching out simply to say they are sorry I am in pain. And then new friends have arrived in my new world north of San Francisco, all of them committed to holding me and helping me through this.
So I dissolve, again and again into the sweet bliss of union.
I also talk to Teal often … she drops in at night when I waken sometimes. Lately she has been playing the Bob Dylan song, ‘I Shall be Released.’ So I looked up the lyrics:
I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east
Any day now, any day now
I shall be released
I am in the process of being released into that very light. I am being shown the vast chambers within – my own sea of tranquility; my own gleaming horizon which I can venture towards. For really there is no other choice … is there?
I mean, yes, okay. You can mire yourself in the petty pursuit of being right, and lock yourself in a cage of your own fear. And you can cling to all that is tangible as the ‘way’ – putting the pursuit of security first before everything else.
Or you can simply surrender, let go and slide down the waterslide of Spirit into bliss. As someone who is doing exactly this, let me reassure you that the water is fine.
In 2013 may you discover just how held you are, how beautifully, preciously loved you are … by those around you, by God and even by the rest of us.
Discover that oneness by simply letting go, dear friend. For that is your ticket to peace.