Over the last year or two, I keep getting glimpses of this thing called ‘emptiness’. I haven’t been able to explain it, nor understand it – but I know when it’s present. And that it is where I’m going … through no merit of my own.
God is leading me here by the hand. And because I have nothing left to lose, I’m going. Quietly, even. And I’m making notes as I go.
Emptiness is the eradication of everything – all assumptions, all hidden agendas, all impulses to shine, show off and prove. It is the cleaning off of the grimy surface of our persona to reveal what is pure and good underneath.
It is letting go of the notion that I can actually fix other people – or that they even want me to. And so I rediscover the white slate of co-creation with God.
In doing so I embrace my own imperfections instead of constantly trying to undo them. And so my inner tension dissolves.
Each day I surrender more and more. And each day support shows up unbidden in all forms and I gladly receive. There are a few people trickling in who want some coaching, and if it’s truly a fit, I serve them. If it’s not I say no.
Believe me, the marketer in me wants to say ‘Yes’ to everyone who inquires at this exact moment in time. But I can’t.
Now I must check in with myself and Spirit first; I can’t pretend to do work I simply no longer do. Because now no ‘sale’ is important enough to deny this rediscovery of my own personal truth.
With each ‘No’ I get a little thrill of confirmation – just as I do with each resonant ‘Yes.’
And if I make the mistake of saying ‘Yes’ where a ‘No’ was actually indicated … well, that ‘Yes’ mysteriously takes itself away.
So what more proof do I need that it really is time to live into my wholeness — to finally, for once and for all, surrender to God’s will?
Of course, being human, I keep needing proof – again and again. I want to doubt that ‘just surrendering’ really can drive this bus.
Ultimately, all of that resistance just boils down to a few key thoughts – the codependence that keeps me as hamstrung as a fish in a net, and punishes me with pressure.
Here are some of those thoughts. Perhaps you can relate …
1. I think they need me. My egoic self pounds her chest and says … “Of course my clients need me! I know things! I can tell them just how to become an Internet superstar.”
Forget the fact that they may not actually want to be an Internet superstar. In this place I believe that I must do this work ‘to’ the client … instead of co-creating with them.
Ideally we dance together. And they can cha cha just as beautifully – perhaps even better – with any number of my colleagues.
2. I think I can fix them. But the truth is that no one is broken.
Not only is no one broken … no one needs ‘fixing’ either by us or by anyone else. Fixing others assumes I have an automatic advantage — that old subtle superiority I mentioned above.
In thinking they are broken, I take responsibility for their ‘weaknesses’ and assume I’m all they’ve got. Which is about as codependent, and egoic, as it gets.
In such moments, I forget they have a God, too. And they might even listen to that God … on their own!
Oh, yeah. And I might listen to mine, too, while I’m at it.
3. I think fixing them will prove something about me.
I notice how I want to be the big voice leading the pack …
Look at me! Look at me! Look at me, everyone! I am clever! I went to a designer college! I’ve been in the media! I’m a published author!
Sigh. No, no, no.
In this place, I just want everyone to respect me. Then maybe I will respect myself. Because in truth, it’s easy to be a guru. You just have to own it, and someone will always sign up.
It is far more difficult to be a quiet leader, discovering as you go.
4. I think if I just get the platform right, I will finally get my due.
Oh the illusion that the Universe owes us something. That there is some pie-in-the-sky, whopping payday coming that will finally make us whole.
As if that were even possible.
And so here we sit … constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. We watch launch results nervously. Is this it? Will I ‘have enough people’ in my program?
And yet back there, haunting us, is always that little voice of doubt.
No, you are not enough. Nor will you ever be enough. And if you think this is ‘it’ … well, good luck sister!
In no uncertain terms Spirit is asking me – and perhaps you — to detach from the money, detach from others’ opinions, detach from needing to be in the front of the room.
And most of all, detach from using our businesses to prove something. Can we all just drop down to zero … that still, placid ground of being behind the chatter?
This ‘ground zero’ is the place we get to when we meditate; it’s the place where our guidance shows up. It visits us like a small soft cat, purring into the place in our hearts where we can feel it most. And it invites us into openness, possibility, and yes … emptiness.
This is when we are truly in our essence with nothing added. And this is the ultimate place of power.
Can you suspend belief in your own worthlessness? Can you suspend judgment towards yourself and others?
And while you’re at it, can you stop worrying?
Tall order, I know. But there is an easy way there. And that is to simply get down on your knees, and pray like you have never prayed. It is to use your business as the divine lightening rod that it is … and so allow God, the Universe and anyone else listening to guide you right.
You can trust your own guidance; you really can. And this place of unbuttoning and unfolding is sweet and trustworthy, as well.